Your final wishes deserve to be honored!

In this week’s episode, Elder Law attorney Phillip George is joined by returning guest Brian Flowers of Wildflower Funeral Concepts to tackle your listener questions:

How do you stop your kids from fighting over your funeral?

• Listener Question: Hi guys, your show has been a real comfort to me lately because you talk about the things that actually happen to families, not just the legal theory. I lost my mom not long ago and what should have been a time to grieve together turned into a complete disaster. I have three siblings and we do not get along well. When it came time to make arrangements, nobody could agree on anything:  the funeral home, the type of service, what to do with her remains. It was one of the worst experiences of my life and it happened at the worst possible time. I’ve been thinking a lot about my own situation since then. I want to make sure that when I go, my family doesn’t go through what we just went through. Who actually has the legal right to make decisions about what happens to someone’s remains? Is there anything I can do now to make my wishes clear and legally binding so my kids aren’t fighting over me the way we fought over my mom? I want to spare them that experience.
• Funeral home owner Brian Flowers explains that in Washington State, there’s a legal chain of custody that determines who has the right to make decisions about someone’s remains. A spouse comes first. If there’s no spouse, it falls to a majority of adult children and not all of them, just a majority. From there it moves to living parents, then siblings, then extended family, with a legal guardian at the bottom of the chain. Brian notes that managing family dynamics is a significant part of a funeral director’s job and something families rarely anticipate. When adult children can’t reach agreement, it often becomes a waiting game until someone defers to whoever has the most patience. In his 18 years of experience, he’s always found a path forward, but it can take real navigation. The most important tool most people don’t know about is Washington’s Designated Funeral Agent law, enacted about 14 or 15 years ago. By signing a witnessed and dated document, you can name someone as your funeral agent and that designation legally supersedes the rights of your next of kin. It’s a straightforward way to put decision-making in the hands of whoever you trust.
• Attorney Phil George adds that getting your wishes documented is critical and it needs to happen outside of your will. Your will may not be accessed until days or even weeks after you die, which is too late. Brian recommends getting your wishes down on paper, signed and witnessed, on file with a funeral home, and in the hands of the key people in your life. Better yet, pre-fund your arrangements through a small whole life insurance policy that you own. That policy is portable and transferable – it’s not tied to any specific funeral home – and once your disposition choice is pre-funded, it’s locked in. Your family can make adjustments to services, but they cannot change your fundamental burial or cremation choice.
• Key Takeaway: What happened to this listener’s family happens more than most people realize and it almost always comes down to one thing: no plan. Washington State gives you the tools to take the guesswork, and the conflict, completely off the table. A designated funeral agent document and a pre-funded arrangement can lock in your wishes and remove the burden from your family entirely. Don’t leave the people you love standing in a funeral home trying to reach a majority vote during the worst week of their lives. Get it down on paper, get it funded, and make sure the right people have it.

How do you protect your family from being upsold at the worst possible moment?

• Listener Question: I listen to your show because you talk about the things families actually go through, and what I went through after my mom passed is something I never want my kids to experience. When I walked into the funeral home, I felt like I was on a used car lot. I was grieving, exhausted, and completely vulnerable – and I felt like every decision I made was being steered toward the most expensive option. I left feeling taken advantage of, and I’m still upset about it. I want to make sure my kids don’t go through that. I’d like to know what options exist beyond traditional burial and cremation – I’ve heard there are newer alternatives and I’m curious. I’ve also thought about prepaying, but I’m worried about what happens if the funeral home goes out of business, or if I die somewhere far from home. Is prepaying actually safe? And what should my kids know going in so they’re not taken advantage of the way I was?
• Funeral home owner Brian Flowers says he hears stories like this constantly and it’s a big part of why he opened Wildflower Funeral Concepts. But families have more rights than most people realize.  In 1984, the FTC enacted the Funeral Rule, which requires funeral homes to hand you a General Price List with itemized pricing before any discussion of costs. You’re never required to buy a package, you can pick and choose. The only required purchases are items mandated by law or crematory policy, and those must be explained to you in writing. Funeral homes are also required to accept caskets and urns from outside sources and cannot charge a handling fee for doing so. If you find yourself in a funeral home that feels wrong, walk out. Even if your loved one is in their care, even if you’ve signed a contract but haven’t yet paid and no services have started, you can leave. A new funeral home will handle the transfer seamlessly. On prepaying, Brian calls it one of the kindest gifts you can give your family. By law, funeral homes can’t hold your money directly.  It goes into a third party funding vehicle, typically a small whole life final expense policy that grows over time and is protected against inflation. Any money left over after the funeral goes back to your family. The key word to look for on any prepaid contract is “guaranteed.” If it says price estimates instead, your family could face unexpected costs later. Brian will sit down with anyone, even with a plan from another funeral home, to review whether what they have is current, accurate, and truly guaranteed. Brian is also seeing growing interest in newer alternatives. Aquamation is a water-based process with the same end result as cremation, using 90% less energy with zero emissions, completed in four to twelve hours. Terramation, or composting, converts the body into soil in roughly 30 to 120 days. Neither is currently available in Whatcom County, though Wildflower is actively working toward bringing aquamation in-house within the next couple of years. Families with existing cremation arrangements who want to switch can update their plans with a new contract. 
• Attorney Phil George adds that this kind of experience puts a black eye on the entire industry and is a stigma that good funeral homes have to actively work against. Knowing your rights going in, and knowing you can walk out, changes everything.
• Key Takeaway: You have rights in a funeral home and knowing them before you need them changes everything. Ask for the General Price List, look for the word “guaranteed” on any prepaid contract, and don’t assume that what mom or dad set up years ago still reflects what they want or what it will actually cost. If you have an existing plan, get it reviewed. If you don’t have a plan yet, starting that conversation now is one of the most considerate things you can do for your family. Brian at Wildflower Funeral Concepts will sit down with anyone, no obligation, to make sure what you have is solid, or help you build something from scratch.

So your loved one wants a Viking Funeral . . . ?

• Listener Question: My grandfather has always wanted a Viking funeral. He wants his remains placed on a wooden boat, set on fire, and sent out on the water. He is completely serious about this and we want to honor his wishes if we can. We don’t know if this is even legal. Are there rules about what you can and can’t do with someone’s remains? If a true Viking funeral isn’t possible, are there alternatives that might honor the spirit of what he wants? We want to get this right.
• Funeral home owner Brian Flowers explains that what we’re really talking about with a Viking funeral is a hybrid of burial at sea and open-air cremation and while the romance of it is completely understandable, the reality is complicated. Our bodies are about 80% water, which means it takes a significant amount of fuel to cremate a body, and doing so on open water creates real environmental challenges.  Burial at sea is legal, but the requirements are specific. You have to be at least three miles offshore in international waters, with a weighted shroud or a steel casket drilled with holes so it sinks. In the Puget Sound, there’s only about a quarter square mile of water in the Strait of Juan de Fuca that actually qualifies, so you’re already making a significant trip. You’d need a funeral home to handle all the arrangements, a licensed boat captain with the right infrastructure, and a company that specializes in burial at sea. Brian has seen several such companies come and go in Washington over his nearly 19 years in the business but they tend to operate around the mouth of the Columbia River and aren’t particularly stable due to low demand and high cost. More established options exist in California and on the East Coast, but none of them are setting boats on fire.  For a meaningful alternative that honors the spirit of the request, Brian suggests cremating first, placing the remains in a biodegradable water-soluble paper urn, building a small raft with tinder, and heading to a secluded beach at low tide going out. Light the raft, push it out, and watch it burn. Once it does, the cremated remains sink and settle naturally. On scattering ashes more broadly – in fresh or salt water there are no rules and no environmental impact. On private land you’re technically supposed to have permission, but Brian notes that in practice no agency wants to issue those permits, and the guidance he’s received is essentially to be discreet, check the wind, and be mindful of your surroundings..
• Attorney Phil George notes that if Grandpa’s heart is set on something close to the real thing, Brian is exactly the right person to call to figure out what’s actually possible.

Ready to take the next step with Brian and the team at Wildflower Funeral Concepts? Give them a call at 360-526-7829, find them online at wildflowerfuneralconcepts.com, or stop by in person!  They’re located in downtown Ferndale on Fourth Avenue, right across from the post office and Ace Hardware. Brian and his team are there to help you plan with compassion, clarity, and no pressure.

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